Trust your instincts and teach kindness with kindness. So simple.

Authority figures often seem more disgusted with those being bullied than with the instigator. The Florida dad who confronted the bullies on his daughter’s bus faced a lot more trouble than the children who were tormenting his daughter who had cerebral palsy. Sometimes the bullies are adults–even parents–who are judging these kids to death.

The bullying-suicide connection is so clear that “bullycide” is now a term. Some of the most recent victims were 18, 15, 13 and 11. The good news is that a lot of people are now talking the problem. Dane Cook is a comedian, but the message in his Oct. 4 video is serious. It’s also simple but true. It’s our responsibility to act.

As part of health care reform legislation, the United States passed a Reasonable Break Time for Nursing Mothers law, which means employers must provide “reasonable accommodations” for mothers to express their milk. Not only does Spain’s law do better by allowing mothers to leave and actually breasfeed their babies, but now fathers get the same leave time. Doing what’s best for babies is ultimately what’s best for everyone.

Unfortunately, the witnesses did not know what I was upset about nor about the history behind the problem, so they may have gotten the impression that I am simply a lunatic. I have had wonderful relationships with most of my children’s teachers at multiple schools, but I suspect that incident may have harmed my reputation with at least one other staff member at that particular school.

I stand by my indignation, but as I’ve matured, I’ve learned that such reactions are not always to our children’s benefit. How have you handled conflicts at your child’s school?

“Yes?”

“Do you know macaroni and cheese just got cheesier?”

“Oh, it did?”

“Yeah, I heard it on the commercial.”

This news was important for two reasons: First, I thought the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese box already says, “The Cheesiest.” Why they feel compelled to out-cheese themselves, I have no idea. Second, I knew my daughter had officially succumbed to the advertising monster.

I recently watched The Invention of Lying. In real life, a lot of people are paid a lot of money to create advertisements that distract from the truth. In the movie, everyone tells the truth all the time, so companies use slogans like: “Pepsi: When They Don’t Have Coke.”

So in that imaginary world, Kraft would promote its macaroni and cheese by saying, “Not as cheesy as if your mom made it from scratch, but we all know she’s not going to.”

Kids are impressionable when it comes to advertising, but fortunately, they are more easily influenced by us. And they are adaptable and move on quickly. I had barely begun my speech on why not everything said on TV is true, when she had another question.

“Mommy.”

“Yes?”

“Is lava real?”

Therefore, we must suggest/support/demand the following:

Flexible hours, work locations.
Work does not always have to be done 9 to 5 and in one place.

Job-sharing.
Two parents can share one job. Both employees are productive and no one gets resentful and burned out.

Childcare at work.
The employer has a happy team member, the baby is happy to see the parent more, and the parent can focus on work because baby is safe and nearby.

Fathers be valued.
If fathers can work less, mothers can work more. Also, if we don’t want men to own the workplace, we have to make room for them as primary caregivers of their own children. There’s no reason everyone can’t be fulfilled in their careers and their families.

Children of all ages (and adults) can choke on food. Of course, children also choke on toys, balloons and other miscellaneous items they manage to put into their mouths. It’s a lot of work to ensure these hazards are kept out of reach, but everybody has to eat.

I met a mom who told me she was so afraid of her kids choking that when she would go out with her husband, she instructed the sitter to feed her kids nothing but ice cream while she was gone. Only ice cream.

A recent study published in Archives of Otolaryngology-Head & Neck Surgery revealed the high death rate for children who are admitted to the hospital for choking. On the Consumer Reports Safety Blog, Desiree Ferenczi addresses the study as well as the misconception that only younger children choke.

From all the articles I’ve read and stories I’ve heard over the years, choking is a serious danger for all children. In fact, it’s a danger for everyone. I’ve heard of children as old as 8 who’ve choked on popcorn. I’ve seen an adult choke on hard candy (and subsequently be saved by the Heimlich Maneuver).

Ferenczi recommends getting on the floor to look for choking hazards (such as small toys, etc.) from the child’s perspective. She also suggests checking children’s clothes for loose buttons, etc., which they may pull off and put in their mouths.

As far as food, there are some foods which are too dangerous for young children. Grapes, hard candy, hot dogs, popcorn, raw vegetables, etc. must be modified or avoided altogether.

Personally, my kids have had close calls with oranges and their pith, bacon and its treacherous fat, and the bubble gum “tape,” which comes in 6-foot rolls and tempts preschoolers to force 6 feet of gum into their tiny mouths.

After reading the recent study and doing an online search of children and choking, I threw out my kids’ stash of giant gumballs and hid the microwave popcorn. I will only break out the popcorn when I can supervise its consumption and remind the kids to eat only one piece at a time.

How much caution is too much? There’s no simple answer to that question. Admittedly, sometimes I err on the side of too much, but once in a while, kids can eat ice cream if it puts our minds at ease.

I’ve seen the movies. I’ve even been a girl. Fellow moms keep reminding me, “Girls can be mean.” I know how to handle car seats, algebra and skinned knees, but after 16 years of being a parent, I still don’t know how to handle the mean kid. My daughter is entering the stage where friends turn to frenemies to enemies and sometimes back again…maybe all in the course of an afternoon.
My sons have encountered the occasional jerk who will push you into the wall or slam your locker shut, but with those guys, you know where you stand.
My daughter has received taunts so mean that I have told her to drop that person as a friend for good. But they make up and move on, and sometimes repeat the process. My daughter is more forgiving and pragmatic than I am. She knows that her social circle is a tangled web. Plus, she’s incapable of holding a grudge. I, on the other hand, don’t forget when it comes to my kids.
I generally preach peace and love, but I sometimes fantasize about taking the low road. Is it wrong to trip a kid who is all Shirley Temple on the outside but Leona Helmsley on the inside? A knowledgeable 7th-grade girl has assured me that although I can’t do it, paying another youngster to do it is perfectly ethical.

Dads matter. They matter to moms and they matter to kids. Dads may even have been key to our humanity.

Anthropologist Lee T. Gettler hypothesizes that paternal involvement in prehistoric families allowed us to evolve into larger, more energy-efficient creatures. Pre-humans were also able to have more children because a father’s contributions meant a woman needed less time between kids, he adds. Gettler’s point is that he believes dad involvement is not a recent development and that it’s been beneficial not only to families, but to the species.