This morning I woke up to the realization that I missed an appointment on Friday. Last week I noticed I had forgotten to complete an important task, but I’ll remain vague about that one for legal reasons. I also let a bill slip my mind last month. I don’t want to use the 3-month-old baby as an excuse, but I will…to a point. Fatigue and baby brain can’t be blamed for all my forgetfulness, but she is my fifth baby. For six of us, I am responsible for: bill payments, doctor appointments, parent-teacher conferences, project due dates, work deadlines and all the other stuff you know about because you do them too. The problem is that I have never even been organized enough for one person. I have taken a class, read (ok, skimmed) books on the subject, and tuned into every related superficial segment on talk shows and morning programs. Maybe my subconscious self is prioritizing, then forgetting the events which I can’t realistically handle. Or I need to manage my schedule better. Or I have a brain condition about which I have forgotten. Whatever, the reason, if I’ve blown you off in the past four months, I’m so sorry. If it happened before that, I’m probably also sorry.
The first thing I did this morning was breastfeed my baby. The second thing I did was weigh and cringe at the number on the scale. I wished I weighed 10 pounds less, but then I read this msnbc.com article titled: “Chubbier monkey moms produce better milk.” Sounds good to me.
My family is currently attending a Smart Steps class for stepfamilies. My kids claim that they don’t need the class because everything is fine among members of the stepfamily. In fact, I have been targeted as the chief cause of family discord for enrolling them in a class that wastes their time. Of course, I’m also blamed for the tedium of homework, the necessity for sunscreen, and the flavor of green beans.
Lesson number one: Biologically related children are not to be called “real” or “natural” siblings, but “bio” siblings. When we drive to the class, we fill the seven-seat minivan, and the bio bickering ensues.
I like this class so far but wonder where we sign up to keep peace among bio siblings. Our family has two big brothers and a bunch of little sisters. Naturally, conflicts occur, and everyone takes turns being the instigator. My sisters and I attended the School of Knock It Off Or You’ll Walk. Maybe bio irritation serves a purpose, like preparing us for all the pests we’ll come across throughout our lives.
In an attempt to get out of the class, one child (whose identity I’ll protect for my own safety) asked, “Do I still have to go? I didn’t fight with anyone all weekend.” Maybe that’s not the outcome the course creators intended, but I’d still call it a success.
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I have happily and haphazardly been spreading parenting propaganda for 16 years. I’ve been doing this not as a writer, but as a parent. I’ve spent years glibly citing studies which suit my agenda.
I recently read this article about a study (published in the journal Sleep) titled, “Earlier Parental Set Bedtimes as a Protective Factor Against Depression and Suicidal Ideation.”
Naturally, I told my teenager about the study, which focused on adolescents. As someone who likes to stay up late on weekends, I thought he’d argue. He simply said, “Most of these studies you tell me about are obvious.”
True, I thought. Today I saw a press release about a study titled: “Teens who drink with parents may still develop alcohol problems.” That makes sense.
I still cite such “science” when it suits me, though. At age 3, they’d generally believe me when I’d say, “You’ll poke your eye out” or “That will give you a case of diarrhea you’ll never forget.” The older my kids get, the more reinforcements I have to bring in. They want to “pshaw” my explanations of the values of turning in early, eating breakfast, wearing jackets, etc. Sometimes they even argue against my sources, my statistics and my “facts.”
We all know many study results can be manipulated, misinterpreted, etc., so I’ve always taught my kids to be skeptical and not automatically believe everything they hear or read. As they age, they’ve begun to ask me to identify my sources. I’m happy they do it. I suppose I just assumed I’d be the exception. Share this Post
High school and college students are stressed out, but we already knew that. A new study points out that it’s not just run-of-the-mill stress, though. Young people are anxious, ill and facing other mental health problems like “hypomania” and “psychopathic deviation.” The study was conducted by Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D., author of Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable Than Ever Before. She is also co-author of the Narcissism Epidemic.
Students’ psychological health has declined significantly over decades, according to researchers who used the same questionnaire that was administered in a similar study during the Great Depression. Some psychologists attribute the problems to high—even unrealistic—expectations about achievement, success and, especially, materialism.
Critics of the study contend that maybe young people are just more aware of their issues or of the services available to them. But who can argue that young people are not inundated by pressures to be perfect? The volume of “stuff” available and pushed on us is unprecedented. If kids don’t have the same technology as their friends, they won’t receive group messages, they’ll be left out of online games, etc. Young people have become obsessive about their looks as ads for procedures dictate physical ideals. There’s a medication to grow fuller eyelashes…as if the worries about fuller hair, lips and breasts weren’t enough. It’s hard to feel “good enough” anymore, and we all know the teen years are painful even without these additional pressures.
So, what’s a parent to do? I am constantly trying to balance between unrealistic expectations and high expectations in areas such as academics and personal responsibility. Sometimes making it through alive is good enough. Perfection is unattainable, and we’ll have happier kids if we can teach them this. Fortunately, I have my kids to remind me of this occasionally. At the beginning of this school year, I noticed one of those huge plastic security tags on my son’s shorts as I was dropping him off in the parking lot. I said, “You can’t go in like that.” He considered his options, climbed out of the car and shrugged. “Who cares?” Share this Post
We all have ideas about what kind of people we want our kids to be. In subtle and direct ways, we teach them about our priorities.
Do I want to raise a good person, a happy person, a successful person, a wealthy person? What’s most important? I recently found out about UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. It is “an interdisciplinary research center devoted to the scientific understanding of happy and compassionate individuals, strong social bonds, and altruistic behavior.” Its website has a section devoted to parenthood and “science for raising happy kids.”
What surprised me about this site was finding that the scientists seemed to think there is an inherent link between altruism and happiness. Giving is often associated with sacrifice, which can be miserable.
Berkeley researchers argue that our species thrives not because we reward the fittest, but the most generous and compassionate among us. They call the theory “survival of the kindest.”
I want to raise good people, and I like that goodness can bring them happiness too. Share this Post
NPR.org published this amusing blog exchange: “The Only Parenting Advice You Need: Stay Off The Internet.” Personally, I never post on message boards, but I am one of the “crazies” who reads them.
When my first baby was a week or two old, I noticed what I thought was a bruise on his lower back/upper bum. (He’ll be so mad if he sees that I have mentioned even his baby bum.) Since I had been with him virtually day and night since birth, I knew it wasn’t a bruise. I waited for it to go away, and when it didn’t, I took him to the pediatrician…worried that he had some blood disease. The doctor said it was a ”Mongolian spot,” which I had never heard of before but which is common among certain ethnic groups. Had it not been the Dark Ages, a simple Internet search would have at least eased my mind for the time I waited for the doctor appointment.
Granted, in the online world you have to sift through a lot of misinformation and ludicrous ideas, and even then, the possibilities can still make you crazy. However, I will always choose an abundance of information over a deficiency. I look up information, absorb what I can, then try to let intuition be my guide to making decisions regarding my kids. The best part of looking up my worries online is seeing that I’m not alone.
Our children’s lives are entrenched in technology use and social networking. The negative side is that personal privacy is compromised. However, the upside of everyone being so exposed is that bad behavior can be recorded and more easily prosecuted. Our children are revealed in ways we never had to worry about; but greater exposure has also made them more savvy, as in the case of the student who recorded this incident of a girl being harassed and punched by another girl. CNN reports that the alleged assailant has been charged with assault and that some of her bullying companions may also face charges.
As kids, my friends and I could make “prank” phone calls or toilet paper neighbors’ homes without being easily traced or videotaped. We could also be tormented at school and on the way home without any evidence of it. A bullying culture has long been nurtured in schools and society, but at least children now have some tools to ensure justice sometimes prevails.
Many renowned and respected figures, from Aristotle to Ghandi, have expressed the sentiment: “A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
Two representatives and one senator (a bipartisan effort) are introducing legislation to protect children from “restraint and seclusion” techniques that can currently be employed in public schools.
The congresspeople illustrate in this CNN opinion piece the abuse that can occur in schools with the tragic story of a boy, already tormented by his own family, who dies at the hands of a teacher.
The legislators point out that it is illegal for parents to tie up, sit on and lock up their own children. Adults can’t be treated this way, even by law enforcement. It’s time we stopped allowing our most vulnerable to be abused like this.
Schools are not babysitting services, nor are they prisons. They are places of learning, which means children must feel safe and respected. As parents, we are ultimately responsible for our children. Therefore, it’s time we ensure legislation passes to protect them.
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A “growing number” of parents are opting to have their babies at home without the presence of doctors or midwives, according to a recent MSNBC article. I, personally, like the idea of the midwife. I have had doctors and midwives present at my children’s births. I haven’t had a doula, but I know many women have loved their assistance. It’s natural for women to support each other. We gravitate toward each other. We can relate to each other’s experiences. We learn to work, cook, mother and more from each other. The learning just happens with grandmothers, sisters, aunts, etc. Sometimes we are lucky enough to find girlfriends we trust. Other times, we seek out mentors, like midwives, who are wiser and more experienced.
In childbirth, it is natural that the father should be the main support person. But sometimes the parents want more support. Maybe a laboring woman wants a male midwife or doctor at the birth. Whoever is there, his or her presence should be helpful and precautionary. Birth is natural, and babies are born, not “delivered.” They come anyway…that is why there is an abundance of stories about babies being born on airplanes, in cars, in bathrooms, on sidewalks, in living rooms, etc.
During the birth of my last baby, if I had the choice, I would have slowed down the process to let my mind get ahead of the contractions. The process, however, was unstoppable. It was going to happen whether I was a willing participant or not. The fact that I had someone looking over us did not detract from the experience for me, and I’m sure the baby did not mind at all.
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